


ashes, ashes, it all burns down

by faerialchemist



Series: zuko tries to give mai a fire lily [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Mai (Avatar) Needs A Hug, POV Mai (Avatar), Romance, Unhappy Ending, and a little - Freeform, anyways if you play with fire things get burned, but that's why there will be a part 3 don't worry, third person. not first, zuko just wants to kiss his gf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28618071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerialchemist/pseuds/faerialchemist
Summary: (Second part in the "fire lily" trilogy, but can be read as a standalone.)Zuko had been acting… strange. As in, stranger than usual. And Mai, who was more than intelligent enough to piece context clues together, was certain of the cause.That damn war meeting.(Mai will always be his fire lily. If only Zuko knew how to tell her that. Mid-canon Maiko angst and hurt/comfort.)
Relationships: Azula & Mai (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: zuko tries to give mai a fire lily [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2097018
Comments: 29
Kudos: 78





	ashes, ashes, it all burns down

Zuko had been acting… strange. As in, stranger than _usual_. And Mai, who was more than intelligent enough to piece context clues together, was certain of the cause.

That damn war meeting.

Zuko told her it had gone perfectly. He said he’d been the son his father had always wanted him to be. And really, who was Mai to doubt her boyfriend? For all of Zuko’s flaws, he was honest. He never lied. Perhaps he physically couldn’t. Not to her, at least. So truth be told, Mai might not have suspected anything if it hadn’t been for his final comment.

_But I wasn’t me._

Those words had set off her internal alarm bells, and their ringing was only worsened by how Zuko had been going out of his way to… Well. Not avoid her, per se.

But he wouldn’t look her in the eye.

And when he did, it wasn’t the same. Instead of the typical, gooey adoration she was used to seeing on her boyfriend’s face, there was a deep, aching sadness. Mai wasn’t afraid of many things, but that particular expression?

It _scared_ her. Because she had no idea what it meant. What it signified. What it foretold. And because Zuko had never before hesitated to tell her precisely what he was feeling, even if he expressed those emotions in… a less than positive fashion. Like when he’d thrown Ruon-Jian across a room.

But regardless of how he presented his feelings, Zuko tended to be upfront with her - if no one else - and it was driving Mai over the edge that now, of _all_ times, he had chosen to withdraw.

The solar eclipse was tomorrow.

And while she wasn’t certain, she suspected this fact had only further contributed to her boyfriend’s strange behavior. Mai was a nonbender, yes, but even she couldn’t ignore the odd anxiety hanging over the entire country.

Agni. Maybe that anxiety was finally starting to get to her, too.

Still. Zuko’s strange behavior had started following that war meeting. Had started following Mai’s _reaction_ to that war meeting. And Mai wasn’t at all terrified to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, his detachment was because of her. That she hadn’t been open enough. Receptive enough. Present enough. That she hadn’t _tried_ hard enough, like her parents reminded her every day.

Mai paused outside of Zuko’s bedroom. She was only in the royal palace overnight because of the eclipse tomorrow, as Azula had ordered her and Ty Lee to be responsible for guarding… Well, Mai had no interest in who any of the nobles were, but she would do as Azula instructed. Always. She had no say in the matter.

It was late. The rest of the palace was asleep. Or at least pretending to be. Half of them were firebenders and were all probably too wracked by nerves to do anything besides contemplate how their lack of power would feel the next day.

Mai knew with certainty, however, that Zuko would not be sleeping. And she was right.

Her boyfriend was hunched over his desk, a sheet of parchment and a pot of ink in front of him, though no tool for writing rested within Mai’s view. She could see even from her distance, however, just how much tension he was holding in his shoulders.

“You look like crap,” Mai said bluntly, leaning against the doorframe of his room. She crossed her arms over her chest, the sleeves swallowing them whole. Such a shield was comforting.

Zuko jumped at her voice, instinctively moving the weights off his paper so the sheet rolled itself up.

Not at all suspicious of him.

He then looked upwards, eyes widening before guilt flashed across his face as he realized who she was. “Mai…?”

Mai’s eyes narrowed at his expression. If she hadn’t been certain before, she was now - Zuko was clearly hiding something.

“Why are you - What are you doing here?” He cleared his throat. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

“I could ask the same of you.” She pursed her lips before consciously reverting back to a neutral expression. “Big day tomorrow. Helping lead the invasion away from the Fire Lord.” She paused. “And doing so without your firebending, for that matter.”

Zuko grimaced at the mention of his father. At least, his reaction seemed to be directed towards Ozai. Mai was afraid to consider any other options. “Ah… Right.”

Silence followed. Mai bit back a sigh. Right. Subtlety had never gone far with her boyfriend - she didn’t know why she’d assumed now would be any different. Evidently a change in tactic was needed.

“Are you going to invite me in,” she drawled, gesturing towards his bed, “or have your visiting hours ended?”

There was a pause. An hesitant, unreadable expression crossed her boyfriend’s face before Mai noticed tension begin to ease from Zuko’s shoulders. He stood from his desk, offering her a small smirk that reminded her more of his normal self. “My doors are always open for you, Lady Mai.”

She raised an eyebrow at his cheesy response, though she allowed herself a small smile as she entered. Mai hesitated, then closed the door behind her, too. She didn’t care if anyone got the “wrong idea” - she knew for there to be even a _chance_ of Zuko telling her the truth about what was going on with him… They needed privacy.

Her parents would give her an earful if they found out, of course, but there were certain sacrifices Mai was willing to make when it came to Zuko.

As she moved in her boyfriend’s general direction, Zuko reached out to catch her by the waist. But Mai wasn’t going to be distracted so early - not before she got the information she came for - and thus neatly sidestepped his motion. In doing so, Mai caught his wrist with her hand. She then sat on the edge of Zuko’s bed before pulling him down next to her, turning so she was facing her boyfriend directly.

“I’m not beating around the bush,” she said flatly, releasing his wrist. “Something is going on with you.” Something to do with his father. “And I don’t like being kept in the dark.”

Of course, what if it _wasn’t_ his father? What could be so personal that he felt the need to hide it even from his own girlfriend? His best friend? His _only_ friend in the Fire Nation?

Or… Perhaps it was only her who felt that way.

Mai refused to entertain those thoughts.

Zuko’s face paled, and guilt tumbled in her stomach. Maybe she’d been too abrasive. Too sudden. She was just - _worried_. She was worried about him and she didn’t know how to -

“What do you mean?” Zuko finally said. “There’s nothing going on with me -”

Mai silenced him with a dirty look. She wasn’t stupid. Even _Azula_ had noticed something was off with Zuko, and she was currently hyper-obsessed with making sure everything went according to her “father’s” plan during the invasion.

“You’ve been acting distant lately,” she said coolly. “I’d like to know why.”

_To know if it’s my fault._

Zuko looked away, and a knot tied itself in Mai’s stomach.

She cursed under her breath. “Dammit, Zuko.” Her hands clutched at the red fabric on her thighs, and she had to force herself to ease her grip. “Stop doing that,” she muttered. Her voice was softer - more hesitant - than she cared to acknowledge.

Zuko’s expression of shock at her harsher-than-usual language - or maybe at her quiet tone - soon morphed to one of confusion. “Doing what?”

“Avoiding me,” Mai responded after a pause. She made sure to choose her words with caution while still being… honest. He said he liked it when she expressed herself, hadn’t he? Well, she was expressing herself now. “You won’t look me in the eye, and I know that means you’re hiding something from me. I want you to stop.”

Zuko hesitated. Mai wondered if he would deny her accusation. Ask her to leave. Tell her she was only fooling herself, as her parents were so fond of insisting.

Then he sighed. “You’re right.”

Mai blinked, shocked at the speed of his admission. The rare times before when Zuko had been keeping secrets from her, he’d tended to be more… stubborn when it came to revealing them.

“But” - of course there was a qualifier, she should have known, there _always_ was - “I can’t tell you what’s going on. Not yet. Not right now.”

Mai’s jaw tightened. She’d heard this before. “Not now, or not ever?” What had she done to make him think he couldn’t confide in her?

Somewhere, she’d gone wrong. She must have. It was always her.

“Tomorrow.” Zuko placed his hand on top of her own, both of which still rested on her lap. “I promise. I’ll explain everything to you tomorrow.” He paused, biting his bottom lip. “After - After the eclipse ends, and we’ve thwarted the invasion… Meet me in your bedroom, okay?”

Mai stared at him. The lack of answers was frustrating now, in the moment, but she supposed it was also the best compromise she would get from him. So she nodded stiffly. “Okay. I’ll be waiting.”

With his free hand, Zuko tucked her loose hair behind her ear. His brow furrowed in frustration, and he exhaled a quiet sigh. “I’m sorry that I can’t tell you now. I am.”

And… He was. Mai knew. She could tell. This realization made her relax some, but as Zuko leaned in to kiss her, she stopped him by placing a hand on his chest.

There was one thing she had to know. One question that couldn’t wait.

“I’ll wait until tomorrow,” she began, grateful her voice didn’t waver, “on one condition.” Her heart pounded in her ears. Anxiety didn’t normally run so cold in Mai’s blood, but there was a first time for everything, wasn’t there? “Answer one question for me. Right now.” Mai licked her lips, her mouth having suddenly gone dry. “After that, I’ll leave, too. So you can get some rest before tomorrow.”

Zuko hesitated, and she was worried he’d refuse, but then his expression softened. Mai’s heart skipped a beat. “Okay. One question.”

She appreciated his trust in her. His trust that she wouldn’t ask him a question she knew he couldn’t answer.

Mai exhaled a shaky breath, mortified by the bout of nerves that had overcome her out of - no. Not nowhere. She just didn’t want to admit, to acknowledge, to _confirm_ how long they’d been lingering under the surface.

Azula knew. She’d always known.

“Was it…” Mai couldn’t meet his eyes as she spoke. Her parents would be so disappointed by her hypocrisy. “Did… I do something wrong?”

“What?!” Zuko sounded so appalled by her question that Mai would have laughed had she not feared it would come out closer to a half-sob. “No. No, you haven’t done anything wrong!” Mai looked up just in time to see bitterness flicker across her boyfriend’s face. “Spirits, Mai, you’re the only thing that _isn’t_ wrong with the Fire Nation.”

Mai frowned at his strange comment, her anxiety momentarily ebbing. “What do you -”

Zuko shook his head. “Tomorrow.” He moved his hand to thread his fingers through hers. “I promise. Tomorrow.” With his other hand, he gently turned Mai’s chin so he was looking at her directly.

For the first time in a while, Mai saw a familiar adoration in his eyes, albeit still tainted with exhaustion.

“But you haven’t done anything wrong, okay?” Zuko thumbed over the top of her cheekbone. “I’m sorry. I never meant for you to think it was your fault.” He exhaled slowly. “It’s just me.”

Mai had a hundred more questions, but somehow she pushed them to the back of her mind. “I” - she shook her head, his hand falling from her cheek - “I know I’m still not great at being… at expressing myself, but…” She trailed off, already feeling a blush born of humiliation rising in her cheeks. “Sorry.”

Zuko offered her a small smile. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He snorted. “Agni knows neither of us are perfect.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, tilting his head to the side before smirking at her. “I mean, _I_ think you’re perfect, but -”

Mai laughed, her chest light for the first time that evening. “Shut up.”

Zuko raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been trying to let my girlfriend shut me up since she walked into my room, but then she kept dodging my kisses, so I hope she knows she only has herself to blame.”

Mai rolled her eyes. On a different night, perhaps, she might have responded with a witty retort before she granted her boyfriend’s not-so-subtle request. She had a persona of indifference to maintain, after all. But tonight, they were alone, and Mai couldn’t help but indulge.

She turned so her entire body faced Zuko, allowing a brief pause to pass between them before she placed her right hand on the back of his head. Mai smirked at him, threading her fingers through his hair as she pulled her boyfriend down into a kiss equivalent to all those she’d denied him thus far. And when Zuko dropped his hands to her waist to tug her closer, she couldn’t say she minded.

Mai had to pull away far too soon, in her opinion, but regretfully oxygen called. Zuko gave her an awed, lovestruck grin, pressing their foreheads together.

“I love you,” he whispered, and Mai froze, her own soft smile falling from her lips.

_I love you_ was… unfamiliar to her. _I don’t hate you_ was fine. Even _I like you_ she had heard once or twice before. But _I love you_?

Mai couldn’t breathe.

“You don’t have to say it back,” Zuko reassured her, as if he could read her thoughts. “That’s okay. I just…” He sighed, pulling back to press a kiss to her forehead. “I needed to tell you.”

He’d paused. And Mai knew, once again, there was something her boyfriend wasn’t telling her. But… Tomorrow.

He’d promised.

“Stay with me for a while?” Zuko then offered, gesturing with his free hand towards the pile of pillows that lined the head of his bed.

Mai pressed another gentle kiss to his lips. What she feared her words could never communicate, perhaps a single action could. “Always.”

~*~

“Where are you going?”

Mai paused at the iciness of Azula’s tone, slowly - cautiously - turning around to face the princess. “To meet Zuko,” she said, keeping her expression neutral and her voice bored. “He said he’d be waiting for me at my house after the eclipse ended.”

Azula laughed. “Really?” She shrugged. “He lied to you, then. Zuko’s gone.”

Mai’s blood turned to ice. “What?” Zuko didn’t lie. Not to her.

_Tomorrow. I promise._

“I said he left,” Azula repeated. She crossed her arms over her chest. “As in, turned traitor. Formally committing treason by threatening the Fire Lord on his way out, if you were curious.”

Mai clenched her fists to disguise how badly her hands were shaking. No. “That’s not true.”

He’d promised her.

Azula shrugged again. “Why don’t we go to your house and find out?”

Mai didn’t respond, simply turning on her heel to leave the palace. Though she hadn’t approved of Azula’s accompaniment, she knew the princess was never more than a few feet behind her.

Mai couldn’t bring herself to call Zuko’s name as she stepped over the threshold of her home, for fear of being greeted with a deafening silence. She walked quickly through the halls, opening her bedroom door and -

_Empty._

On her desk rested a sickeningly familiar piece of rolled-up parchment. Next to it was…

A fire lily?

More than that, she realized. A declaration of love.

Azula clicked her tongue. “Looks like Zuzu left a few parting gifts for you. How sweet of him.” She laughed, though there was no humor in it. Only malice. “A pathetic attempt to cushion the blow of breaking your poor little heart, I suppose.”

Mai ignored her, hands still shaking as she unfurled the parchment. She furiously blinked back paranoid tears as she read the first two lines.

_Dear Mai,_

_I’m sorry that you have to find out this way, but I’m leaving._

Azula was right. But when wasn’t she?

Zuko… had lied to her. He’d left her. _Abandoned_ her. Gone - without so much as an explanation, Agni, without so much as a _goodbye_.

_I promised I’d tell you everything tomorrow. I know this isn’t how you expected our conversation to go, but -_

Mai rubbed her eyes. No. She would not cry. Not over _Zuko_ , who didn’t have the nerve to look her in the eye when he ripped her heart out and trampled over it. Not over Zuko, who’d left her _alone_ , who’d left her bruised and bleeding and broken. Not over Zuko, who’d held her in his arms last night and kissed her and told her he lov-

The letter mentioned he was joining the Avatar. Something about him wanting to do his part to end the war. How he was sorry, how he never wanted to leave her, how he was full of _bullshit_. And scribbled near the bottom -

_I wish there’d been another way._

Mai couldn’t tell if the tearstains were Zuko’s or her own.

_I love you._

Not enough. He hadn’t loved her enough. Because - Because Mai _wasn’t_ enough. Not for her mother, not for her father, not for Zuko.

She’d never been.

Mai rolled up the letter, clutching the parchment so tightly her nails punctured holes through it. Azula didn’t ask what was written inside. Mai was grateful.

She then picked up the fire lily from her desk. The flower seemed to mock her, its dazzling scarlet petals achingly similar to the color of Zuko’s own flames.

“Burn it,” she whispered, choking back a sob. Mai turned to face Azula, holding out the red flower to be destroyed, to be devoured, to be _consumed_ by the princess’s blue fire. “ _Burn it._ ”

Azula raised an eyebrow before a devilish grin crept onto her lips. “Of course, Mai.” She accepted the fire lily. “Anything for you.”

After nothing more than a single burst of blue light, dimming embers cooled and crumbled between the firebender’s slender fingers. Mai’s grip tightened on the letter as she watched the ashes fall, scattering across the ground like hideous flower petals.

Worst of all?

_I love you._

She’d loved him, too.

~*~

**Author's Note:**

> will zuko ever be able to give mai a fire lily without it getting burned? find out in the conclusion of this trilogy! which will… hopefully be out before june 2021. we’ll see how my second semester goes, lmao


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